i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
