im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
