plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
