Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
