It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
