Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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