Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
