It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
