So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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