You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
