this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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