I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
