you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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