i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
