I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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