apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize