I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have tasted many bathrooms
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
