I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
