so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my liver is dry heaving
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
