My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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