Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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