I think my fart just growled at me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
