I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
