Pants 0. Shit 1.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
