I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
