hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
