Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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