Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just cropdusted the office
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
