u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
