Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Oh god it's open bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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