Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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