my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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