I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
