he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
