so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
