I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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