he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
