last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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