Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
