All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
