im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
