so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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