I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
