every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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