Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if only i could text you this smell
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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