I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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