Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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