Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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