If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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