mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
