Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
