I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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