He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
