Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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