Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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