I think I won the penis lottery.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
