When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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